Day 1

i don’t want to say that it feels like i’m dying to write… but it kind of feels like i’m dying to write.

i don’t throw that word around as casually as i once did, either.

the tears are there, but won’t come. there’s a… what? what is that feeling right in the center of my chest? kind of a tightness, but not quite. kind of a tenseness… or a hardness, but not quite those either. maybe it feels a bit like a giant ass rubber band wrapped around my chest would feel. i just want to take it off. it feels like i can’t get a good, deep, oxygenating breath, and it scares me.

but that’s what this is all about, isn’t it? because since she passed, i’ve been scared.

so afraid that i don’t have much time left either. that i will have wasted it, like i perceive that she did (in so many ways). that all of this… all this stuff around me, all the things i fill my days with, the pretend smiles i paste to my face.. that it’s all… well… nothing. i’m scared that these pains in my chest are more serious than i’ve given them credit for being, and that this heart that’s kept me here this whole time will just quit, and i’ll be screwed, and then it’ll be too late.

and too late is too late, you know? like when i really sit with that, i feel a bit panicked inside.

i haven’t seen enough trees, or enough sunsets. i didn’t sing enough songs or write enough stories. i didn’t love on nearly enough dogs, you know? i didn’t take enough in, dammit. i was so busy protecting my heart and trying to look (and feel) tough. i forgot that no one really cares, and that that hardness i’ve always kind of been after… it’s not doing me, or anyone else, any favors. it’s the soft, gooey bits inside that we’re all after with each other, isn’t it?

we all want to live. we all want to be seen and heard. we want a real depth of connection. to have meaning and purpose.

yeah. all of that.

i sat today with my Inner Balance by HeartMath, and after reading more about it (can’t even say how many years i’ve had this thing, and used it on & off the whole time, but still did not understand it!) and knowing more what i was going for… i really rocked it today. and funny enough, just imagine, i felt amazing.

peace-full

heart-full

calm.

so so good. i wanted to just keep going. i wanted to stay that way forever. and now, understanding what was happening in my body, it makes complete sense. #happythankyoumoreplease

so yes. more of that. more of choosing to put my focus here, dammit. i’m so sick and tired (ha!) of spending so much of my time, so many of the minutes of my days, swallowed up by hopelessness. for what?! why? it’s dragging me back and back and back, and down.

i don’t have to go down that way. i don’t have to live her life. i get to choose to live mine, and i can live it in whatever ways i choose.

so.

Day 1.jpg

i’m grateful for the music playing from my computer right now

i’m grateful for the eyes to see the sky changing colors as the sun sets

i’m grateful for this crazy mutt, and how she makes me laugh

i’m grateful that i can see all these amazing colors. color is really a spectacular thing

i’m grateful for heightened sensitivity to touch. sometimes it sucks, but times like now, with the soft blanket right up next to me, it’s heavenly

i’m grateful for really cold water when it’s hot outside, and hot tea when it’s cold out

i’m grateful for having an opportunity to just write. to just let it out.

i’m grateful for the experience with my heart this morning. more of that.