Day 15

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today was another less-than-wonderful day.

i did end up requesting some additional time off & basically now just need to get through tomorrow, Thursday, and Friday, then will be off until the following Friday (which should be a pretty light day given that it’s the day after Independence Day and many people will have taken a long weekend). that’s good. it’s a start. i still feel like i need a solid month away from work and responsibilities just to begin to recover. i feel like i’ve let myself get so burned out that it’s left me here. #emergency

then i saw this. i’ve seen it before, but it really hit me tonight. have you seen that before, or read it anywhere? if so, i’m curious how it strikes you.

i feel very alone in all of this sometimes. like there just aren’t other people, or not many, who feel some days like they just cannot carry on like this much longer. who feel like a walking shell. like some kind of avatar being controlled from somewhere else… only the basic functions actually operational, and everything else just…. empty.

see, and i say things like that… things that i really think about, and immediately worry that it’s too much. that someone may read that and worry for my mental health. and maybe that’s fair. i do definitely struggle sometimes and lately it seems to be more struggle than not if we’re being really honest here. i hate it.

i hate feeling like i’m some kind of downer… always complaining about how crap i’m feeling. how tired i am. how worn out i am by life… how blank, and empty, everything feels. i get so scared that i am sinking back into The Big D, and there are definitely similarities between this year and 2017 when things got really bad.. but i don’t feel like i’m there. at least not yet. for that i am sincerely grateful.

i try so hard to stay up though, you know? i know that i don’t always show it to everyone, but i really do. i try to think positively. to find ways to feel good… to feel full-hearted and grateful. to appreciate what i do have (i have a lot a lot a lot to be grateful for, i am very much aware of this fact).

but sometimes it’s exhausting to pretend that everything is ok when on the inside i feel like i am falling apart. and i’m not always sure what to do with that…

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but for now, gratitude

(because seriously, i really am trying)

i am so grateful for our home, and my family, and this crazy dog who is curled up next to me as if she knows i’m feeling less-than-wonderful

i’m grateful for these fairy lights. they help remind me of the magick on the daily. such a small thing, but so not small at the same time

i’m grateful for how quiet this room gets. once i publish this i will sit here in silence and let it fill me up a bit. deep silence is literally about the best thing ever right now

i’m grateful for my ears and my ability to hear; and also for my ability to listen deeply. i suspect that deep listening is one of the things that will heal us all

i am grateful for color-coordinated sticky notes #nerdalert :-)

i’m grateful for eyes that can see the changing light as the sun rises and sets. TLD is very sensitive to outside light and is very aware of it, and has very specific kinds of light that he prefers over others. i kind of love that about him

i’m grateful for being able to start culling and releasing excess. excess FB groups, excess recurring bills, excess incoming noise in general. i think now that we’re in #emergency status, it’s easier because it’s truly necessary

that’s all for now friends. may your gratitude also overflow. <3