i’ve been perusing this website recently, and today landed on this particular blog post… and it got me thinking…
i’ve spent SO MUCH time thinking about what i don’t want in my life (we’re talking Olympic levels of time and energy here), but so little time and energy spent on what i do want.
and i often think that this is because i’m not really sure what i do want…
(uhhhh - maybe that’s part of the problem?! how can you get somewhere if you don’t know where you’re going?!)
but what if i start experimenting with that? (after all - this whole damn thing is one giant experiment, really)
so the question becomes… what would my life look like if it could look any way i wanted???
how can i start bringing some of what i want in the future… into my life right now?
well, to start… i’d live nearer the woods. actually, in a really ideal world i’d live somewhere that i could have the beach just yards away from my front porch and the woods just yards from the back porch! (hmmm, that wouldn’t make for very good food growing conditions, though, would it. i guess raised beds could resolve that, though)
ok and here i go… i say things like the above, and think i mean it… but when i really look at this, i think this is what i’d want if i were the person i think i’d want to be, and maybe that is also part of the problem. maybe what needs to come first is me accepting who i am. i am a suburbanite through and through. i would not do well in an urban environment, with all that noise + energy… but i would also not do well in a really rural environment (i just wish i would).
soooo… back to the drawing board.
i guess the actual truth is that i’d probably live right where i do, at least for now. i’m near enough the coast that the beach is an easy day trip… and also near enough the woods that a weekend trip for camping and kayaking is very do-able. there are all these theme parks that some save up ages to visit, and they’re nearly in my back yard. i’m pretty easily able to travel to places like the PNW or New England in order to visit areas that call to me. yeah, i suppose - for now - this is a good area to be in (which is interesting because i’ve spent a LOT of time lamenting my geographic location).
i would want to work for myself, with a steady and sufficient income, if i could have it any way i liked. i am just really not cut out to work for a corporation. it hurts my heart in lots of ways, and doesn’t allow for the freedom that is a core value for me.
i’d have several friends (local and remote) with whom i enjoyed deep connection. the type that we can just dive right into the depths of conversation, and never miss a beat. the type that, even if we only talked once every few months (or more) it was always like it was just yesterday that we talked last. i do have that with a small handful now, but all are remote. i’d love some here locally, so that we could meet up for coffee or wine now & then too.
my life would be filled with Ordinary Magick (i’ll have to write more about that here, one day soon), and beauty of all kinds (and i’d be present to it).
i would feel peaceful, for the most part, rather than full of stress more often than not. i’d feel like i was making a meaningful difference in the lives of those i serve, and it would feel like it filled me up and fed me even as i did it.
and so… how can i bring some of what i want for my future, into my life right now..?
well there’s one way that i already implemented earlier today. i can put these incredibly gorgeous, luscious images on my desktop and have them rotate out every five minutes. i’m talking about the kind of images that literally make me pause, breathe, and full-self-smile. seeing them pop up for me is that bit of beauty, and being present with it.
i can do this - what i’m doing here - and start writing since i feel like i can’t not. i have no idea where it’ll go, and maybe it won’t go anywhere… but i’m doing what my heart is calling for, and that’s something better than what has been :-)
i can BOLO some IRL kindreds ;-)
that feels like a good start.
oh, and let’s not forget the gratitude…
i’m grateful for my wrist guard, and how it immediately takes the pressure off my wrist
i’m grateful for friends who stand by me, even when i’m not super fun to be around :-)
i’m grateful for books. the written word. authors. poets. magick-makers
i’m grateful for these overcast skies and the reprieve they’ve given us from the heat
i’m grateful for the fan blowing cool air on me (are we noticing a pattern here? ;-) )
i’m grateful for these journaling cards (not an affiliate link)
i’m grateful for flowers, and documentaries about flowers (and documentaries about mushrooms while we’re at it - they are fascinating!!!!)
i’m grateful for cold, unsweet tea
i’m grateful for journals.. especially those with the thick, luscious paper.. and for gel pens for journaling with :-)
oh, side note, i did use Inner Balance again today. results similar to yesterday, but will keep doing it regardless. that one day when it’s all coherent and feels amazing is totally worth these other days.