self talk and the other shoe

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did you ever read that book Nineteen Eighty Four, by George Orwell? (there’s a serious spoiler, giving away the end, in this blog post… so if you haven’t read it but would like to… you may want to consider saving this post for another time ;-))

we’ll circle back to that in a minute, but i want to tell you what brought this up for me first.

this morning, Lexi and i were having our morning walk. my alarm had gone off at 5:00, like normal on a Tuesday morning, and instead of internally bitching and moaning that it was time to get up, i first got my bearings (what day is it? where am i - still on planet Earth? what’s going on? etc..) and then as soon as i realized “oh yes, it’s Tuesday” my very next thought was “thank you. thank you for the gift of another day and another opportunity”. i kid you not.

now, it’s not always like this. there are definitely days i wake up thinking “seriously?! it’s only Tuesday?! UGH” but for whatever reason today wasn’t one of them. that was a nice change, and a great start.

so back to our walk…

i debated over whether to get out and walk this morning or whether to go back to bed for a bit once i’d taken care of the things i needed to do (let Lexi out to potty, feed her, and get things ready for the boys for the day) so i checked the weather. since it was only about 73 outside (with a feels like around 76) i decided we’d go for a short walk. but when we got outside, it felt amazing. the sky was completely clear. the stars as bright as they could be in a neighborhood with street and carriage lights lit. the air was actually crisp and a tiny bit cool, with low humidity. i felt alive like i do when it starts to cool off. more thanks given there.

as a side note - i do find myself just casually saying ‘thank you’, both aloud and internally, through my days more and more lately. this is also very nice.

it was so incredible outside that i decided as we were walking that we’d go a bit further than i’d planned, and i just kept feeling so grateful. that the weather was so gorgeous (it’s been so stinking hot). that Lexi wasn’t freaking out about any other dogs around (they were all still inside snoring LOL). that i was feeling healthy and strong and able to get out and walk this way. that i have the opportunity of another day, and all that potentially comes with that. just… everything, really.

and that’s when i noticed it. this sneaky little thought worming its way into my mind about waiting for the other shoe to drop.

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this thought of “whoa, now… don’t get too comfy here in all this thank-ing-ness stuff! if you do, that’s when the ax will fall. be careful!”

and the image in my head was the same image i had in reading Nineteen Eighty Four (do you do that too? do you see scenes in your mind as you read? sometimes it’s such that i can’t recall whether i’ve seen a movie or only read the book!) at the very end when he hears the gun shot. in the moment when the protagonist actually agrees with the ideals that Big Brother espouses, the last thing he hears is the gun against his head.

i mean, seriously. that’s the image that came to mind as i was enjoying my walk.

what?!

but that’s what came up. so there’s clearly some underlying fear there around being afraid when things get too good (and what is ‘too good’ exactly? that’s a whole other story right there..!)

needless to say, after realizing that i’d stopped dead in my tracks - and that lots of my neighbors have various cameras etc… and might get a little jumpy if i stand for too long in front of their home, we kept up our walk. i did a lot of ho’oponopono that day, wanting to release this belief and clear it all out.

i can’t say that it’s gone, but i do believe that bringing an awareness of it, and to it, can only be helpful. here’s hoping.